You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
