oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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