What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
