Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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