I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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