you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
