I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
