yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
