Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
