ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
