Your dad touched me again.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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