Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
