I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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