You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
