guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
