I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
