Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
