i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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