So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
