rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
