"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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