Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
