I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
