At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
