ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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