my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
