Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
