Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
