I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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