Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
