wakey wakey hands off snakey
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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