I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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