what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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