im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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