im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Banned from zoo.
Again?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
