It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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