he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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