Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
