don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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