haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
