i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
