Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
