Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
