So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
