when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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