the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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