Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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