I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
