Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
