I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
