Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
