I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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