my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am naked and annoyed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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