Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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