We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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