I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
