I accidentally had phone sex last night
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
