not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
